How to Be a Good Friend When Someone is Experiencing Abuse

When someone opens up about experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV), it can be hard to know what to say or do. You might feel shocked, heartbroken, or even unsure if you're the "right" person to help. But research shows that supportive friends and family members can make a significant difference in a survivor’s ability to heal and stay safe.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), more than 1 in 3 women (41%) and 1 in 4 men (26%) in the U.S. have experienced some form of physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime (CDC, 2023). Many survivors don’t go to police or shelters first; they go to someone they trust. That someone might be you.

What to Do When Someone Opens Up to You

The most important thing you can do is listen. Let them talk without interrupting or offering immediate solutions. Say things like, "I'm so sorry you're going through this," or "Thank you for trusting me. This isn’t your fault." Research consistently shows that perceived social support is linked to reduced risk for PTSD and depression among IPV survivors (Sippel et al., 2015). Once they’ve shared, gently ask how you can help. It’s okay if they don’t know right away. The goal is to support their autonomy, not take over or force decisions.

You might offer to:

• Help them find local or national resources

• Be present while they make a call or safety plan

• Accompany them to an appointment

• Just listen, again and again, if needed

But remember, safety is complicated. Pressuring someone to leave before they’re ready can increase their risk. In fact, the period immediately after leaving an abusive partner is one of the most dangerous times (National Domestic Violence Hotline).

The Importance of Safety Planning

One of the most vital ways to support a friend experiencing IPV is to help them think through a personalized safety plan. Safety planning isn’t about forcing someone to leave immediately; it’s about preparing for moments when they might feel at risk, whether that means having a packed bag ready, knowing important phone numbers, or identifying a safe place to go if needed. Research shows that having a safety plan can increase a survivor’s sense of control and readiness, which are key protective factors in preventing harm (Campbell, 2004). If your friend is open to it, offer to help them develop a safety plan tailored to their unique situation and needs. I’ve created a few safety plan templates that you and your friend can access anytime in the Free Resources section of my website. These tools are designed to be practical, easy to use, and adaptable, because safety looks different for everyone.

What Not to Say or Do

Even with the best intentions, some common reactions can do more harm than good. Avoid saying things like:

• “Why didn’t you leave sooner?”

• “Are you sure it was really abuse?”

• “If I were you, I’d just get out.”

These responses shift blame and invalidate the survivor’s reality. IPV is never the survivor’s fault. Abusers use manipulation, isolation, financial control, and fear to keep someone from leaving. It’s not a matter of weakness, it’s about survival. Also avoid making promises you can’t keep (e.g., “I’ll fix this for you”) and never share their story without explicit permission. Confidentiality protects both their safety and their dignity.

How to Offer Support Without Taking Over

One of the most empowering things you can do is support your friend in a way that centers their choices and voice. Here’s a simple guide for how to do that well:

Supportive Approach	What It Looks Like
Offer choices, not decisions	“Would you like me to help you find a lawyer, a safe place to stay, or someone to talk to?”
Ask open-ended questions	“What do you think would help you feel safer?” or “What feels manageable right now?”
Check in regularly	Even a text saying, “Just thinking of you. How are you doing today?” can break isolation.
Share resources subtly	“I came across this IPV support site. It has 24/7 chat if you ever want to talk.”
Model healthy boundaries	“I’m here to support you, but I also want you to be safe. When you want, I can walk with you.”

Why Your Role Matters

Informal supporters, like friends, coworkers, neighbors, and loved ones, often provide the first (and sometimes only) point of contact for someone experiencing IPV. Survivors who perceive strong social support report lower psychological distress and better long-term health outcomes (Escribà-Agüir et al., 2010). Your steady presence, your empathy, and your willingness to show up without judgment can be a turning point in their journey toward safety and healing.

Don’t Forget to Care for Yourself Too

Caring for someone in an abusive situation can be emotionally taxing. You might feel helpless, scared, or even angry at the situation. It’s okay to feel those things. Make space to process your own feelings—whether through journaling, therapy, or trusted conversations. And remember: your role is not to rescue or fix. It’s to walk beside them in a way that feels grounded and safe for both of you.

Key Takeaways

• Listen without judgment: Survivors need empathy, not advice. Validating their experience builds trust and connection.

• Don’t pressure them to leave but DO safety plan: Safety planning is complex and rushing a decision can increase risk.

• ·Support their autonomy: Ask what they need and offer choices instead of making decisions for them.

• Avoid blame or minimizing: IPV is about power and control, not about poor decisions or character flaws.

• Share resources, not ultimatums: Let them know support is available whenever they’re ready.

• Check in consistently: Gentle, regular outreach can counteract isolation and help them feel less alone.

• Take care of yourself, too: Supporting someone in crisis is emotional work. Make sure to set boundaries and seek support when needed.

Final Thoughts

Being a good friend to someone experiencing IPV doesn’t require special training. It requires presence, empathy, and patience. You don’t have to have all the answers—you just need to believe them, support them, and remind them they’re not alone. If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). About intimate partner violence. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/?CDC_AAref_Val=https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html

Escribà-Agüir, V., Ruiz-Pérez, I., Montero-Piñar, M. I., & Martín-Baena, D. (2010). Perceived social support and its association with intimate partner violence: A cross-sectional study in women. Social Science & Medicine, 71(9), 1586–1593. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2010.07.005

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). https://www.thehotline.org/

Sippel, L. M., Pietrzak, R. H., Charney, D. S., Mayes, L. C., & Southwick, S. M. (2015). How does social support enhance resilience in the trauma-exposed individual? Ecology and Society, 20(4). https://doi.org/10.5751/ES-07832-200446