When Parenting Styles Clash: Navigating Authoritarian vs. Gentle Parenting

Parenting can be tough on its own, but when you and your partner have different ideas about how to raise your kids, things can get a little tricky. If one of you leans toward a more authoritarian approach (think strict rules and consequences) and the other prefers a gentle or positive parenting style (think empathy, understanding, and kindness), you might be wondering how to find a middle ground. Don’t worry—you’re not alone, and there are ways to make it work!

What Is Authoritarian Parenting?

Authoritarian parenting is all about control and rules. If you’ve ever heard a parent say, “Because I said so,” that’s a classic example. Parents who use this style tend to have strict rules, high expectations, and low warmth or emotional support. The focus is more on obedience than understanding or emotional connection (Baumrind, 1967).

Research says:

While authoritarian parenting can result in obedient kids (at least in the short term), studies show it might not be great in the long run. Kids raised with this approach may experience lower self-esteem, higher anxiety, and struggles with emotional regulation (Awiszus et al., 2022). A 2016 study published in The Journal of Family Psychology found that children of authoritarian parents often have higher levels of depressive symptoms and lower levels of self-worth (King et al., 2016). This style can create kids who feel like they can’t make their own choices or express their thoughts freely (Baumrind, 1991).

What Is Gentle/Positive Parenting?

On the other side, gentle or positive parenting is all about being kind, understanding, and respectful. It focuses on guiding kids with empathy, setting boundaries with love, and using positive reinforcement instead of punishment. The idea is to build a strong, emotionally supportive relationship while helping kids understand the consequences of their actions.

Gentle parenting is not about letting kids do whatever they want. It’s still about teaching right from wrong, but it does so with understanding and empathy. There are clear boundaries and expectations, and when kids misbehave, there are consequences. But the difference is that these consequences are explained calmly, with the goal of helping children understand the impact of their behavior rather than just punishing them (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

Research says:

Gentle parenting has been linked to a lot of good outcomes for kids. Research has found that children raised in nurturing, empathetic environments tend to do better socially and emotionally. They develop stronger problem-solving skills, and higher emotional intelligence, and are less likely to engage in aggressive behavior. Additionally, positive parenting helps children develop better emotional regulation and lower levels of stress (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

So, What Happens When You and Your Partner Have Different Parenting Styles?

It’s common for parents to have different approaches to raising kids. If one of you is more authoritarian and the other is into gentle parenting, it can feel like you’re speaking different languages. But there’s good news: it’s totally possible to find a middle ground!

Here’s how:

1. Talk About It and Understand Each Other

First things first: get on the same page. It helps to understand where each of you is coming from. The authoritarian parent might think strict rules will help teach discipline, while the gentle parent might focus more on building trust and understanding. Knowing why you each feel the way you do can help you find some common ground.

• Tip: Sit down together and talk about your parenting philosophies. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, but about making sure you’re both working toward the same goal: raising a happy, healthy kid.

2. Blend Both Approaches

The good news is, you don’t have to pick one style or the other. You can mix the best parts of both. For example, you can have clear rules and expectations (from the authoritarian style) but enforce them in a calm, respectful way (from the gentle style). You can teach discipline with kindness, instead of just relying on consequences.

• Tip: Set clear boundaries but communicate them with empathy. Offer praise and encouragement when your child behaves well, and address misbehavior with understanding instead of anger.

3. Be Consistent

Consistency is key, no matter which style you use. Kids thrive when they know what to expect. If one parent is strict and the other is more laid-back, it can create confusion. It’s important to make sure both parents are on the same page about rules, consequences, and rewards (Bornstein, 2019).

• Tip: Discuss your approach and make sure you’re both clear on the rules and how you’ll handle discipline. Consistency helps kids feel secure and understand what’s expected of them.

4. Agree to Disagree (Sometimes)

Parenting is full of tough calls, and there will be times when you disagree. It’s okay! In these moments, it’s important to respect each other’s approach and remember that you’re both doing your best. Maybe one parent handles the big stuff (like discipline) while the other focuses on emotional support—it’s about finding a system that works for both of you.

• Tip: If you don’t see eye-to-eye on something, agree to take a step back and revisit the conversation later. It’s not about “winning” the argument, but about finding a solution that works.

5. Consider Getting Help

If you’re really struggling to figure things out, it might help to talk to a family therapist. A neutral third party can help you navigate your differences, give you tools to communicate better, and suggest ways to work together as a team.

• Tip: A therapist can help you identify what’s working, and what’s not, and how to create a parenting plan that both of you feel good about.

Breaking Down Myths About Gentle Parenting

We get it—gentle parenting isn’t always understood, and sometimes it gets a bad rap. There are a lot of myths out there that we plan to tackle in future posts, but here are just a couple to keep in mind:

• "Gentle parenting means no rules.”

  • This couldn’t be further from the truth! Gentle parenting is about setting clear boundaries and rules but doing so with empathy, understanding, and respect. It’s not about letting kids do whatever they want; it’s about guiding them with love.

• “Gentle parenting leads to spoiled kids.”

  • Another myth! Research actually shows that children raised in a nurturing, positive environment tend to be more emotionally resilient and better at problem-solving. Gentle parenting encourages kids to make good choices because they understand the reasons behind rules, not just because they fear consequences.

We’ll dive into more of these myths in future posts and provide research-backed insights to help you better understand why gentle parenting works and how it can fit with other parenting styles.

Conclusion: Flexibility and Patience Are Key

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and it’s okay if you and your partner have different styles. The most important thing is to stay open to learning from each other and to keep the focus on your child’s well-being. By blending the best parts of both authoritarian and gentle parenting, you can create a balanced, loving, and supportive environment for your kids to thrive in.

References:

Awiszus, A., Koenig, M., & Vaisarova, J. (2022). Parenting styles and their effect on child development and outcome. Journal of Student Research, 11(3). https://doi.org/10.47611/jsrhs.v11i3.3679

Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43–88.

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431691111004

Bornstein, M. H. (2019). Handbook of parenting: Children and parenting (3rd ed.). Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group

Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 452-469. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000191

King, K. A., Vidourek, R. A., & Merianos, A. L. (2016). Authoritarian parenting and youth depression: Results from a national study. Journal of Prevention & Intervention in the Community, 44(2), 130–139. https://doi.org/10.1080/10852352.2016.1132870